


Aliens in the Backyard

by raven_aorla



Category: Calvin & Hobbes, Doctor Who
Genre: F/M, M/M, Multi, and am finally migrating them from ff.net, because I have a whole stable of odd crossovers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-11-18
Updated: 2012-11-18
Packaged: 2017-11-18 23:53:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,031
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/566717
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/raven_aorla/pseuds/raven_aorla
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Calvin is really, really good at attracting attention from aliens. Usually Hobbes merely bears this, but now he has a reason to call for help, and a certain blue police box makes an appearance in a forested suburb in Ohio.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Aliens in the Backyard

**Author's Note:**

> Not mine.
> 
> The first part of this chapter is actually taken from an actual canonical C&H strip, which is what inspired this whole thing.

Calvin rushes to his dad, who is busy washing the car on a sunny Saturday afternoon. "Dad! Dad! Space aliens just landed in our backyard!"

Despite all his behavior problems, Calvin must be a brilliant kid underneath those terrible grades, otherwise how could he come up with such elaborate stories? With an indulgent smile, because this week was one of the less aggravating ones, he asks, "What do they look like?"

Calvin scratches his oversized tow-head with a tiny hand. "Uh…sort of like big baked potatoes with laser guns. I think we should do what they say."

"And that is?"

"They want ten dollars."

"I'll bet they do," he chuckles, turning back to soap a window.

A hint of anxiety creeps into Calvin's voice. "If you're busy, you could just give it to me, and I could take it to them."

"Why don't you go play, Calvin?"

………………………………

Calvin knows when he has been dismissed, and slinks out to the backyard. The glittering ship hangs in midair like the one that abducted him and stole his ability to do math, but less saucer-like. And the aliens are almost as short as he is.

"Sorry," he says to the leader, flanked by two what-look-like-male potato-things.

"But you are a genius child with reality-warping powers!" roars the general. "How can you not have influence even in such a laughably trivial matter?"

Calvin sighs. "They think I make these things up."

"Well, human boy, we must find another! You are not worthy! Sontar-HA!" The leader starts pounding his fist into his palm while chanting. The others take up the cry. They – and their ship - dematerialize and vanish, echoes of "Sontar-HA!" reverberating in Calvin's ears.

Once they have flown away, Hobbes peeks out from the G.R.O.S.S. secret headquarters/temporarily disabled transmogrifier. His tail is all bushy. "Are they gone?"

"Yeah. C'mon, let's play Calvinball."

As they run to get the gear, Hobbes is immensely grateful that Calvin does not ask why he hid from the Sontarans, or why Calvin gets so much attention from aliens and monsters in the first place.

He knew taking care of a Time Lord in human form would be no treat, but the Esquire's heavily damaged Chameleon Arch accidentally turned him into a six-year-old with a fractured sense of reality and poorly cloaked mental powers.

It's not like Hobbes doesn't owe it to him – his planet of sentient tigerlike-folk had been annihilated too, and he had only survived because the Esquire teleported him out of there at the last minute before clueing him into his most unpatriotic escape plan. Hobbes was the offspring of diplomats and had struck up a friendship with the youngest ever Gallifreyan emissary to the Shadow Proclamation.

It'll be at least twelve years before this body can sustain a return of Time Lord consciousness. It is currently too frail and tiny.

When it finally does, Hobbes has several questions to ask.

What possessed him to disguise his TARDIS as a cardboard box? And how is he able to haphazardly operate it – admittedly only in a pocket dimension, but still?

Was a stuffed animal really the best cloaking impression for Hobbes possible, what with the getting tossed in washing machines and the sewing repair jobs (though fortunately his species can manufacture opiates through sheer will the way humans automatically produce adrenaline)?

Why has Hobbes never learned Calvin's ostensible parents' names?

Was he right in suspecting little Susie Derkins – a complete human - could see Hobbes as he truly was, and what does that mean for this whole house of cards?

Then he bounces a volleyball off Calvin's head – "Ha! Now you have to stand on your head for fifty counts!" - and reflects that an idyllic childhood, in a prosperous country, during Pax Americana, all in all, isn't the worse way to recover from a war.

....

"And so this is me, leaving," Martha says, and the Doctor's hearts sink. He should have seen this coming. He always held her second best, made her clean up after him, demanded so much when he could give so little.

But a light flashes on and a bell sounds that he has not heard since the War. "BANANAS!" the Doctor shrieks.

Martha raises an eyebrow. "Something special about that one?" There is a tiny hint of resentment.

"I understand why you're leaving and you've every right to, Martha, and I owe you ever so much, but please come with me for one more trip, just one more trip, I need you for this one…"

"That's what you said the first time."

"Martha, that's what goes ding when I get only one kind of distress signal. The kind I get from another TARDIS."

She hears the catch in his voice and the slight tremor of his lip. "All right. But this really is just one."

He grins and hugs her, not noticing her wince of yearning and regret. "Allons-y!"

…………

 

"Martha, you weren't anywhere in America in 1992, were you?"

"I never went to America until you took me. Are you worried about me running into myself?"

"Terrible things can happen when you make paradoxes these days."

"Like what?"

The Doctor makes a vague flapping gesture like he is trying to scare away wasps. "Reality-erasing beasts. Rose nearly destroyed the universe."

"Oh, so Rose actually did something wrong?" She's smirking, so it's okay.

"You're never going to let me live it down, are you?"

"So where in America are we?"

"Um…Ohio."

"Insignificant historically?"

"Yes." He lets her say it.

"So a good hiding place for a human Time Lord?"

"Yes." And with a laugh he opens the door.

He sees a six-foot tall, anthropoid tiger-like being looking anxious and furtive. They appear to be in a forest. "I hardly dared to hope this would work. Which one are you?"

"I'm the Doctor, and this is my friend Martha. Do you know if…"

"Doctor, why are you talking to a stuffed toy?"

"What do you mean? This is a Watterwize from the moon of Spiff."

"There's a sort of perception filter on me. I look like a doll to most humans."

"Oh! Martha, I can fix it. I'll have to fiddle with your mind a little. Just a little."

She nods her assent, though she hopes he can't pick up any of her recent fantasies while doing this.

He puts his fingers to her temples. "There. See him now?"

She is mildly startled but recovers quickly. "Martha Jones."

"Hobbes." He extends his paw and they shake. "Doctor, I need you to help me. Did you know the Esquire at all?"

"I heard of him – youngest graduate of the Academy ever, unusual reality-warping talents – but I spent most of my time gallivanting about rather than meeting people on Gallifrey."

Hobbes gestures for them to follow him. "The woods are very quiet. Calvin and I can walk for miles and not see anyone. That's his human name. Well, do you know that Spiff was destroyed in the War?"

"I'm so sorry," Martha says immediately.

The Doctor grows serious. "Another one. Things never stay over and done with."

Hobbes shrugs. "I've moved past it. The Esquire saved me. We had traveled together before. His TARDIS was heavily damaged in our final escape, and when he put himself through the Chameleon Arch it messed up. It failed to properly cloak his Time Lord nature, drawing the attention of all sorts of aliens who don't quite know why they're seeking him out, and he's in the body of a six-year-old boy. A lot of his mind and vocabulary is way beyond what an ordinary human child could accomplish, but the whole mixture's made him…weird. I spend a lot of time bending people's thoughts so they don't notice more than they already have."

"So Calvin has parents?" Martha asks.

"I found a childless couple who seemed stable and reasonably prosperous. We've actually been pretty happy here. A lot of play. A lot of reading comic books. A lot of philosophical discussions. I won't be sorry when he gets old enough to sustain a return to himself, though."

"What exactly do you need from me, Hobbes?"

They are coming to houses now, tidy and suburban. They hear some sort of battle-cry. Hobbes points to a naked boy covered in blue paint charging across several lawns with a kite in one hand and a tomahawk in the other. "His behavior is increasingly erratic. And his parents said yesterday that maybe he will improve if they eliminate his dependence on his imaginary stuffed tiger friend."

"You."

"Calvin would fight it tooth-and-nail, but he doesn't have the power to ultimately prevent me getting tossed."

"Are all Time Lords a bit odd in the head?" Martha asks slowly, watching Calvin as he attacks a bunch of shrubs, yelling at them to release the slimeboids or there will be fury to pay.

The Doctor is about to protest that, but he thinks about various incidents in his past and decides this would be dangerous.

"I'm sure he has a logical explanation for what he's doing," Hobbes takes pains to point out, folding his arms.

"What you're saying is you need me to convince his parents that he's a perfectly healthy and normal child and should be allowed to indulge in his fantasies."

"They mustn't throw away his TARDIS either. It got stuck in the shape of a cardboard box."

"At least we know he's a decent person for a change, hm?"

"YAAAAAA!!!!!"

The Doctor considers the situation. "It says a lot about the Master that this is an almost infinitely preferable last-other-Timelord."

....

"So, Hobbes, we need a convincing way to get Calvin's parents out of our business for a few hours. We need to learn what makes him tick before we can influence them. Any ideas?"

Hobbes rubs his chin thoughtfully. "It's a weird coincidence, but Calvin's parents got free tickets to a concert this evening. They were saying over breakfast that they didn't think they could go, because the only babysitter Calvin hasn't scarred for life demands way too much money and she's taking a vacation with her family."

"Isn't that a little too convenient?" Martha asks. The Year taught her to be wary.

The Doctor grins. "You can see it too. Not your fault, Hobbes, but there's more to this situation than a human disguise. The TARDIS says we're in Ohio, yes, but it doesn't say where in Ohio. And the month is listed as 'summer.'"

"Is that bad?"

"It means it was an awfully good thing you called. Well done." Then the Doctor turns and heads for Calvin's front door. "What are his parents' names?"

"Well…it's another of those weird things. I don't know."

"What's Calvin's last name, then? When I got the Doctor settled in 1913 as a human he was 'John Smith'".

A cloud passes over the sky. Hobbes starts wringing his paws. "I don't know. I've lived with this family for years and I don't know."

"Interesting. Into the breach then." The Doctor rings the doorbell.

A tall, thin man with glasses and a receding hairline answers the door. "Hello?"

"I'm Doctor John Smith, child psychologist," the Doctor says, flashing the psychic paper. "The school sent me. I understand there have been some concerns about his behavior."

The man groans and calls to his wife. "Dear! The school sent a psychologist!"

"What has he done now?" she replies, swiftly joining them. She has short brown hair, dresses in slacks, and looks very harried and careworn.

"He hasn't done anything new, don't worry. But myself and my research assistant here…"

At this Martha waves. "Hello."

"…We are doing a study on troublesome children with hidden genius-level intelligence. We'd like to chat with Calvin a bit. Alone. For a few hours."

"You wouldn't even have to be here," Martha suggests.

Euphoria washes over the parents' faces. "A day out!"

"Without him!"

"Without resorting to Rosalyn!"

"Come on in!"

As the Doctor and Martha enter, the Doctor asks, "This young lady, Rosalyn, you know her well?"

"She's our usual babysitter."

"What's her last name?"

"Oh, it's _" and then Calvin's mom says something that the Doctor and Martha immediately forget.

"Sorry, could you repeat that?" Martha asks; gingerly taking a seat like she thinks the flower-patterned sofa will suddenly sprout tentacles (basically the sort of thing that's par for the course by now).

"It's_"

"Of course. Good solid name, that," the Doctor breezes. "And you two would be…"

"I'm _ _, and this is my husband _ _"

"Oh. Right."

"Are you two from England?" the father asks.

"We're on a short visit to the States. For research," Martha says smoothly, with a stunning smile.

"I'll go get Calvin. Why don't you go make sure he didn't hide your shoes again?" The father kisses the mother and they depart.

Then Hobbes opens the door. "It's pretty annoying that when anyone other than Calvin – or sometimes Susie – is watching, I can't do anything that a doll can't do."

"It's like being a Weeping Angel, except you're a toy rather than stone, yeah?"

"Good analogy!" the Doctor cries.

Martha rolls her eyes. He's trying too hard, too late.

When Calvin is unceremoniously deposited before them, his father running off to get changed into nicer clothes, the paint has been largely hosed off outside and he has been wrangled into a red shirt with black stripes, black pants, and little red sneakers.

"Spaceman Spiff had another loss, Hobbes," he whispers behind his hand. "And who are you people?"

"I'm Martha."

He stares at her. "You're black."

"Um, yeah. You're short."

"But you talk like you're British."

"I am British. There are black people in Britain."

Calvin shrugs. "Okay. Are you my new babysitter? I have to warn you that the monsters under the bed ripped Annie's dress, though she tried to blame it on me."

"I seem to recall that you tried blaming it on me," Hobbes replies, stretching out on the carpet on his back, then grabbing Calvin's wrist. "Tummy rub. I'm having a complicated day."

"What if I don't wanna?"

"Grrr."

At this Calvin laughs, drops to the carpet, and complies.

"I hear Rosalyn does all right," the Doctor interjects, watching the banter between the two friends with interest.

At this Calvin shudders. "Let's talk about you. You are weird."

"How am I weird, Calvin?"

"You're an alien. I can see it. What's your name?"

"Just call me the Doctor. Martha's my human friend. We travel together."

"Ooo, can Hobbes and I go with you? Please please please? One trip? Maybe?"

"What are you talking about, Calvin?" his mother asks, coming down the stairs.

"Nothing! Important stuff!"

"I've always found it's best to play along," the Doctor stage-whispers. The mother smiles indulgently and does not interrupt them further, heading to another room.

"So what are you doing here? I can't sell you the planet. I did that already; not that Galaxoid and Nebular really made any changes."

Martha scratches her head but does not inquire further. "You've met a lot of aliens then?"

"Yeah, but nobody ever believes me."

Hobbes clears his throat. "The Doctor helps people, Calvin. I called him here because your parents want to get rid of me."

Calvin's face goes white and he clings to his friend. "No! NEVER! Doctor, you've got to take us with you! Hey wait…why?"

"People don't see Hobbes the way you do, Calvin," the Doctor says slowly. "I can see him as he is, and so can Martha, but ordinary human beings think he's just a toy you carry around and pretend is real."

"Really?"

"Really."

Calvin lets go of Hobbes and rubs his chin. "You know, this explains a lot."

Suddenly Martha sits bolt upright. "Wait. Hobbes. You said there's a girl, Susie, who sometimes sees you."

"Ugh, Susie Derkins. She's got a crush on Hobbes."

"Her name is 'Susie Derkins'?" The Doctor asks. He looks at Martha.

"First name and last name," Martha says quietly.

"Is that important?" Calvin asks.

"Would you be so kind as to take us to talk to Susie?" The Doctor asks, pulling out his screwdriver and beginning a scan for alien tech beyond what they already know is here.

....

After a lengthy search around the neighborhood, they find Susie leaning against the wall of the Doctor's TARDIS. Her palms are flat up against it and her eyes are shut, making the little girl in overalls and a bowl haircut an incongruous figure, yet one that seems to be trying to meld with the ship.

"Susie Derkins, I have some questions for you," the Doctor says, squatting down.

Something's off about Susie. Then Martha sees it and nudges the Doctor. "She hasn't got a shadow."

Susie stays facing away from them, shaking like she's holding back tears. "Calvin and Hobbes, sleep."

Calvin immediately slumps to the ground unconscious, flopping onto Hobbes who has been rendered into an inert toy again. Then they slowly fade away.

"What have you done to them?" The Doctor grabs one of her shoulders with his hand not carrying the screwdriver, and then steps back, aghast, when she's facing them.

"I sent them safe to their beds." This little girl, who looks like she's six, has eyes filled with golden light. The glow now emanates from her fingertips, every thrumming bit of skin.

"No. You couldn't be. You mustn't be."

"Doctor," Martha asks quietly, "have you seen this before?"

"When Rose bonded with the Time Vortex. But this would have killed a little girl. It killed me."

Susie gave them a sad smile. "Three of us together. Running from the War. But we crashed. Hobbes was crushed under a roof beam. The Esquire was burned in the fire. And I, in trying to repair the damage, fell unprotected into the Heart. I make sure The Esquire and Hobbes can't see it. Everyone else is a projection of The Esquire's subconscious."

"Did you give Hobbes the idea to call me?"

Her small hand sought out the Doctor's. "You may not be able to help, and there's so little of me left, but I am glad to see you again, Grandfather."

The Doctor stared, slack-jawed, for a few seconds, and then he scooped her up and nearly crushed her in his arms. "Susan…my Susan…"

"It's been so long, Grandfather…and I'm only alive in this simulation…and the power is draining from the ship…"

Kissing her forehead, the Doctor said, "Take me to the real ship, and I'll see what I can do."

Though Martha had not been warned about any of this beforehand, the thought of him being reunited in some small way with one of his family was making tears well up as she followed them back towards Calvin's house.

…

What was really exiting a constructed virtual reality seems every bit like crawling into large cardboard box with ~~TRANSMOGRIFIER~~ ~~DUPLICATOR~~ TIME MACHINE written on the side.

"He remembers bits of himself, just like you did," Martha says when they dig the cardboard box out

"I don't let him really use it," Susie says. "He uses his imagination instead. Such a mind he has…"

"Were you lovers, Susan?"

She smiles coyly. "It was a three-way relationship." And with this startling remark she disappears into the cardboard box.

"Did you have many grandchildren?" Martha blurts out just as the Doctor was stepping in.

"Susan was the best." When she sees his facial expression, she knows that is all he will ever give her.

Faint, yellow auxiliary lights illuminate in the gutted TARDIS. It looks like a burned-down toy store, with posters of circuses and amusement parks from a thousand worlds and times hanging in tatters, model dinosaurs and all sorts of alien dolls she's never seen before.

When they are here, Susie appears to be a tall, thin young woman with short brown hair and a gray business suit. The glow still fills her eyes and crackles the space around her. "I can't stay in reality long. I only had five or so hours to live when I started. Time in the simulation is slowed down. Calvin has been six years old for many years now."

"Where's your med bay, sweetheart?" The Doctor asks, and it is the most tender tone of voice Martha has heard anybody use, much less the Oncoming Storm.

Susie wraps an arm around his and leads them to it.

Hobbes is utterly broken, his spine cracked and deep gashes under singed fur. The Esquire – who does indeed have spiky blond hair that seems to require whatever hair gel the Doctor uses - is lying wrapped in a sheet, floating on some kind of gel, and with a medley of tubes and wires stuck in his chest and head. On the other end the tubes are drawing power from the ship itself.

The Doctor buzzes his screwdriver over The Esquire. "You did a brilliant job. His cells are reconstructing steadily. He'll be at full capacity again in…oh…fifteen years?"

"That really is Hobbes' mind in that childhood he's leading. I thought he deserved extra time."

"You're worried you'll run out of power before he's done, yeah? I can fix that for you." Then he puts a hand on either side of her face. "In fact, I can rig it so that all three of you can stay there permanently if you choose. You and Hobbes will have the option of true death. Not sure if you want that, but the choice will be there. Since you'll be controlling the simulation in the absence of another Gallifreyan mind, once the Esquire has left, you will also have the option of 'growing up'. I'll leave the Esquire a subconscious message letting him know what waits for him once he's healed, and he will be able to wake into reality and fix the ship, going out into the universe again. All he'll have to do is speak a code phrase. I'll even give him my phone number so he can look me up."

This time, it's Susie who wrapped him in a hug. "I love you, Grandfather. All these years I've wanted to say that."

"I…I love you too, Susan."

"And you. Martha. Make sure Grandfather doesn't get into more trouble than he can handle, please."

Martha accepts the hug with equal mesures awkwardness and satisfaction. Since she can't really help fix the ship, she goes and wakes up Calvin and Hobbes and they trade stories about their adventures through time, space, and imagination. They play Monopoly, and Martha is amused by Hobbes' invented strategy of robbing the bank. Martha gives a stern talking-to to the monsters under the bed, earning Calvin's eternal esteem, and she puts up with his incorrigible curiosity about disgusting diseases.

While Calvin is in the bathroom, Hobbes tugs Martha's sleeve. "I've just realized that I'm dead. The block's been removed."

Martha strokes his fur. "I'm sorry. But you can stay here with Susie as long as you like. Calvin might leave you, though."

He sighs, an elegant cat-sigh. "I don't want him to give up on life just cause he'd have to live without the two of us. There's a lot of good he can do."

"You are the best friend anyone could hope for, Hobbes."

This hug is not awkward, but it makes something catch in Martha's chest.

An hour later – four hours having passed since the Doctor said private goodbyes and sent Susie "home" - the Doctor promises Calvin that he'll send them a letter saying Hobbes is a vital therapeutic presence in Calvin's life. Calvin runs off to catch fireflies in the backyard with his best friend.

Back in the Doctor's TARDIS, the Doctor asks Martha one question and she asks two.

"Still want to go home, Martha?"

"I'm glad I came this time, Doctor, but yes. Did you travel with Susan the way you traveled with me?"

"She was actually the first person I went traveling with at all."

"Out of curiosity, what is the code phrase Calvin can say if he's ready to be the Esquire?"

The Doctor grins and pulls a lever, sending them off. "'Let's go exploring!""

**Author's Note:**

> Note from Dec 2016:
> 
> I feel awkward going back and thanking people for comments left long ago, but I want anyone who reads this hereafter to know that I do appreciate every single one and read them over and over.


End file.
